A letter to my pandemic baby
Safe and secure in my belly, while I anticipated your arrival
This time last year, I read with dread that the mysterious virus emerging from China had arrived, not only in Germany, but in Bavaria.
We still had about two months before your anticipated arrival and I was hoping that this whole coronavirus “situation" would blow-over by the time you arrived.
How wrong I was (or how much my hoping did nothing!).
Somehow you managed to choose just the right time to be born: 28th of February (only one day before the 29th, you were almost a leapling!). You were born in the safety of the calm after the first tiny clusters of cases had occurred in Germany.
It seemed like Germany might be able to escape it. That the people who had the virus would recover and there would be no more spread.
But that didn't happen.
It turns out you were born just before the world would turn upside down.
I often think about how lucky we were that you arrived when you did: if you had've arrived on your due date (18th March) we would've all been in lockdown, in your first moments in the world you would've been surrounded by people wearing masks, and your daddy may not have even been able to see you be born.
What a world you were born into - a world where people are scared of being near each other, where people cover half their faces, where people are under a constant stream of restrictions.
You didn't ask for any of this. You didn't ask to be born into this.
As I look back on your first 11 months of life, despite accepting the fact that this has been (and still is) our reality, I'm still saddened thinking about what could've been and how unbelievable this time has been.
I'm sorry, little baby.
I'm sorry for so many things:
I'm sorry that most of your experience of the first year of your life has been confined to our small apartment.
I'm sorry you didn't get to meet anyone but me, your daddy and your big brother for the first 5 months of your life.
I'm sorry that the number of people who have ever held you, hugged you, or kissed you can still be counted on two hands. And that's a maximum. That's including me, your daddy, your brother, and the midwives and doctors who delivered you and monitored you after you were born.
I'm sorry that you've never seen an unmasked stranger on a bus, that no little old lady has ever stroked your chubby cheeks (maybe that's not such a bad thing!), that we had no opportunity to take you around showing everyone how proud we were of our new little bundle of joy.
I'm sorry you have experienced a mother who, for the first half of 2020, was an anxious mess; who cried almost everyday and often without warning; who yelled at your brother too many times; and who showed more anger and frustration and despair in these few months than she has in her entire life.
We were supposed to do so many things. I wanted this maternity leave to be full of exploration, adventure, and connection. I vowed I wouldn't do it like I did with your brother and stay home isolated all day. I'm so frustrated that that's what I was forced to do this time around. If the pandemic had never existed, you would've been so many places by now. Your uncle and great aunt would've visited us. You may have even met the rest of your Australian family by now. Not least, you would've had days and days when your brother was happily occupied at Kindergarten and we could've enjoyed each other alone.
Sometimes I wonder what the future will hold: how being born into this year when the world turned upside down will affect the rest of your life. I worry about the psychological and social impacts of having these key days, weeks, months (and maybe even, years) of time around people, around family, around society, snatched from you.
But, when I look at you, I know that somehow, you are going to be okay. You are a tough one and you know your way even in these non-ideal circumstances. A few months ago, a lady smiled at you on the bus. Half her face was covered by her mask. You didn't see her smiling with her mouth, but you saw her smile in her eyes and you smiled right back. Human adaptability at its finest.
I'm so proud of you - more than you will ever know. You have been a rock star of a baby and a pleasure to mother. I don't know how you managed to stay so calm amongst all this but you have, and you've given me the hope that I can do it too. I'm sorry it wasn't the perfect first year that I dreamed you'd have, but I'm so glad you're here.
Love,
your mummy xxoo
Here you are, 11 months into this thing called life and learning new skills every day!
This was a more personal piece today - I hope you enjoyed it! I thought I’d publish it here in the hope of opening up some conversations about the somewhat more hidden effects of the pandemic. I do wonder what effect all the lockdowns and enforced social isolation that has occurred (and is still occurring) around the globe will have on everyone - but in particular, the effects on children and babies who are too young to fully comprehend what is going on.
There has already been quite a bit of research published on this, here are some links if you’re interested in reading further:
Mental health effects of school closures (here)
Mental health effects of lockdowns on children (here)
Promoting physical activity in children during the pandemic (here)
UK data on the mental health effects on young people during the pandemic (here)
Effects of the pandemic on maternal and neonatal services (here)
Tell me: what has your experience of the pandemic mitigation measures (lockdowns etc) been? Do you have kids? How have they reacted? Let’s have a conversation in the comments below!
If you liked this, you might also want to read:
On muses and writing - How my son reunited me with my creative self (another creative non-fiction piece)
61 simple and engaging indoor activities for toddlers and young kids
How to survive (and even thrive) the Northern Hemisphere winter lockdowns
If you are pregnant or a new mother, head directly to ‘Motherhood Together’ - for all articles and resources at your fingertips.
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